piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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