We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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