If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She bit a glass in half.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
