i barfeds in our rink
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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