My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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