Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
