You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
