I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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