i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
