accomplished twins. life is a go
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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