worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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