I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How does it feel to date your dad?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize