guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
