READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
