I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
