I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
