he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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