i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
