If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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