This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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