Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
either way he was missing a nipple.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
