I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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