My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
