Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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