The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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