tell your sister to shave her snatch
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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