Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
my poor anus
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
