This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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