Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
