On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
