if you like me you must not know who I am
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
