Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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