I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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