if you like me you must not know who I am
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
