We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
