i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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