I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
