my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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