I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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