I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
