I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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