Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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