How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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