genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
