did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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