By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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