There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
