I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
