Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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