I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
