Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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