He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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