A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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