$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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