So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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