I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
