i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
