So drunk its hurt
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
