We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Randomize