I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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