During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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