my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize