just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
