We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
